To all of the Twilight lovers, this is my humble opinion and please don’t get offended by my review.
I have been wanting to read this book after reading rave reviews about it. But I kept postponing as the synopsis didn’t really grab me. So finally after watching the movie, I decided to read the book. OMG, It was the boringest book ever. It was full of teenage hormones 🙂 and probably that is why teenagers loved this book 🙄 .
Throughout the book I kept rolling my eyes, I wanted to tell Bella to get over herself. It was filled with self-pity, teenage girl fighting, back stabbing, boyfriend issues, etc, etc. I felt like shouting at Edward, either he loves her or not. Throughout the book, you feel that Edward doesn’t even know if he loves Bella or not. For Godsake, he is more than 100 years old, he should know what he wants by now.
I think the worst mistake I did was to watch the movie first and then read the book. Robert kept popping in my mind whenever I read about Edward. Robert looks like a drug addict, not a sexy vampire 🙄 . In the movie, I actually thought Jacob was more sexy 😀 .
To those who has not read this book, I have found the funniest Cliff notes about this book which I thought was fantastic. And to those who has read this book, you will find this funny and very apt as well 🙂 .
Twilight CliffsNotes Version
For those too lazy or too chagrined to read the entire Twilight book, I would like to present the super fast CliffsNotes edition.
(Characters are SM’s property & are only portrayed in this satire for the LOLZ)
Bella: I’m so gonna die and by a character named The Hunter.
CHAPTER ONE: FIRST BITE
Bella: *whine* OMG! This town sucks! I hate Charlie! School sucks! It’s like wet and green and stuff here.
Edward: *coal black eye glare* I want to kill Bella Swan.
CHAPTER TWO: STUPID BOOK
Bella: *whine* Why is Mike Newton hitting on me? Gah! This sucks! What teen girl wants cute boys hitting on her all the time? And where is emo boy who sits beside me in Biology? Why isn’t he in school? Not like I care or anything. *sniff*
Edward: I’m back and I’m gonna make polite conversation. Totally. Watch me be cool.
CHAPTER THREE: MORMANON
Bella: It snowed today – like yuck – and emo boy saved me from being the filling in a vehicle Oreo.
Edward: Yeah, I saved her. But I’ve decided to never speak to Bella again. Lunch, I mean Bella, does not exist.
CHAPTER FOUR: IMITATION
Bella: So now I’m all dreaming about emo boy & stuff.
Edward: Ok, so I lied which I so don’t ever do. I’m gonna talk to Bella, but not really.
Bella: Then a bunch of boys ask me to the school dance. Didn’t they get the memo that I don’t want cute boys to acknowledge my existence on this planet!
Edward: So now I really am gonna talk to Bella and stuff `cause I think she likes me. We have a date set up. Basically I went from no communication to a date in the span of one day. That’s my reality baby! I mean, I told her to stay away from me. What else can I do?
CHAPTER FIVE: BLOOD HYPE
Bella: Today me & emo boy ate lunch together. Then I realized I was late for class AND my Snapple bottle cap went missing. *whine* My life is soooo hard!
Edward: *chuckles* Yeah, I totally stole the bottle cap. But let’s keep that on the down low until my book comes out. I don’t want readers thinking I’m some emo stalker or something. Seriously dude!
Bella: * whine* OMG! I’m gonna hurl and pass out at the same time!
Edward: *chuckles* She faints at the sight of blood. We are like two halves of a Cadbury CrÃ¨me Egg. Granted I’m the dust filled half and she’s the sweet blood filled half. Whatev.
CHAPTER SIX: STUPID STORIES
Bella: It’s all sunny and stuff today so I go with Mike Newton and the other losers that go to my lame school to the beach on the rez. It’s alright. *shrugs*
Jacob: This is where I get added to the story at the last minute by the editors. But that’s cool. In a couple of more books I get to, hold on a minute, I gotta do this:
“No. They are the *same* ones.”
Ok, chicks totally dig that line. So, I gotta throw that shizzle in there. Man, Bella is HAWT!
CHAPTER SEVEN: BAD DREAM
Bella: So now I’m dreaming about vamps & werewolves. Thanks a lot Jacob. Plus, I totally know emo boy, er, emo vamps secret. That little rat! He coulda told me & saved me all this angst. I mean, why should I ever suffer or be deprived of anything? Anyways, I’m off to go be depresso-emo girl who actually sits out in the rain in the woods. Emo is totally contagious. Later.
CHAPTER EIGHT: PORT WHINE
Bella: I’m in Port Whine for a girl’s night out. But I totally can’t hang `cause they are all human & stuff so I strike out on my own. Then I see a Volvo & I’m all “Stupid, shiny emo vamp Volvo owner.” *sigh* But then I get lost `cause I’m all cute & fuzzy & emo vamp has to come save me…again.
Edward: Bella needs an internal GPS system. She got lost in a one street town. Seriously, who does that? But I take her to dinner anyways `cause it so won’t be obvious if I don’t eat anything.
CHAPTER NINE: HYPOTHESIS
Bella: So I tell him, “Busted dude! I know your secret emo vamp.”
Bella: But then I’m all, “I don’t care `cause I’m totally crushing on you monster boy.”
Bella: Then he’s all, “I’m seventeen.” Yeah, right. Who does he think he’s playing?
Bella: Then emo vamp is all dramatic, but he gets over it `cause he says he’ll see me at school. Emo vamp has a paper due.
CHAPTER TEN: I GOT PROBED
Edward: I pick Bella up for school `cause I’m breaking bad now & don’t give a shizzle. I’m like Michael Jackson in the Beat It video. Ok, my bro Jazz would say that’s him but I’m all, “No way homey!”
Bella: I eat lunch with emo vamp again and he’s already tryin to weasel out of our date! But I’m all, “Nuh-uh!” No take-backs!
CHAPTER ELEVEN: CHAGRINATIONS
Bella: So the next day emo vamp wants to play twenty zillion questions. Whatev.
Edward: Then the Blacks show up and we have a mega staring contest. *growls*
CHAPTER TWELVE: WAX ON WAX OFF
Bella: I spend the evening being all chagrined around Charlie’s friend Billy who is Jacob’s dad. Billy totally knows emo vamps secret. Crap! He’s just trying to ruin my buzz!
Edward: So the next day I leave early `cause I need Mountain Lion sustenance. I leave Bella a really wordy note in that piece of scrap metal she drives. I’m verbose like that ya’ll. I got verbal game.
Bella: The next day emo vamp shows up at my door for our first – hopefully not last – night on earth – date and he is HAWT! OMG! *whines* I am so lame compared to him. *sob* But I go through with our emo hike through the woods.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: OBSESSIONS
Bella: So emo vamp is all disco balls. I could do the hustle around him in the freaky meadow. *hums disco inferno*
Edward: Yeah, I sparkle AND dazzle. Check it!
Bella: At one point I thought, “OMG! I am so dead!” But he didn’t kill me. *shrugs* But then he starts talking about lions and lambs and stuff. I didn’t really follow all that wild kingdom shizz, but whatev.
Edward: Yeah, I wanted to kill her. But then I realized I LURVED HER!!! I knew it was a done deal then `cause who can resist me? Dude, I sparkle. Hello?! Plus, when I slipped her the tongue she totally tried to mountain lion me! *chuckles*
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: MIND OVER SPLATTER
Bella: Emo vamp spent all night with me. Would Charlie have freaked? Well yeah, but by this point I’m all, “Rules are for suckas!” Whatev.
Edward: I watched and smelled her all night. *emo sigh*
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE SPARKLES
Edward: The next morning I’m all, “Whoa! Your hair = haystack!” But she still smelt good so I’m cool. I tell her she’s my life and stuff. It’s a good thing vamps can’t gag.
Bella: So then emo vamp takes me to meet his really old sparkle family. You think if something is that old it wouldn’t sparkle anymore. But hello, disco balls everywhere. And they were all there: the doctor, the little mrs. I-Can-Build-A-Home-With-My-Bare-Hands, the weird “emotional” one and the one that looks a little crazy in the eyes. Only blondie and the hulk were missing. Which, whatev. Blondie creeps me out!
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: DR. SPARKLE
Bella: So next I get a really long and boring history lesson on Dr. Sparkle from emo vamp. *yawn*
Edward: Bella totally dug hearing about our history. Well, I guess she did. I mean, she really only has like one facial expression, but…c’mon who wouldn’t want to hear about me, I mean, my faux-pops. So then I take her to see my room & I try to scare her & stuff, `cause that’s how you get chicks to dig you, right? But then Jazz is in my doorway and he’s all, “Dude!” and all freaked out and shizz. Jazz needs to seriously lighten up!
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: EENIE MEANIE MINIE MOE – TAG, YOU’RE IT!
Edward: We head out to play baseball in the woods. I’m all ready to flex and stuff so Bella will think I’m HAWT! Dude, I’ve even got on my Sparkle jersey! Oh yeah!
Edward: So everything is cool, I’m running bases and flirting with Bella and smelling her in the breeze and all, when Alice has a vision. Dude, there is a tracker only a few miles away! And I mean that in like vampire miles, not slow human miles.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: YOU BETTER RUN GIRL
Bella: The next thing I know some homeless vamps think I am a Little Debbie snack cake. As if!
Edward: So now I am pissed! I cannot believe Alice didn’t see this coming! She is so never borrowing my Backstreet Boys CD’s EVER again! I don’t care how many crazy – awesome – wicked parties she throws.
Bella: I was scared for serious. I was like, “Where is the Dog Whisperer? Vamp Whisperer?” I mean, there was so much marking of territory I thought every tree in the forest was gonna get marked. Next thing I know emo vamp throws me over his back and we are off running through the woods again. But, in the end I come up with a plan to throw the tracker off my scent `cause my brain is still living.
CHAPTER NINETEEN: YOU SAY GOODBYE, I SAY WHICH WAY TO PHOENIX?
Bella: So I do what I do best – whine and hurt people emotionally. I tell Charlie I’m outta here! I’m slamming doors and yelling and stuff. Where is my academy award? Seriously, where is it?
Edward: When Bella is clear of Charlie’s house we make a run for it to my creepy McMansion in the woods. Once we hash out a plan I have to let Bella go. *emo sob* It’s like someone has taken my dead, shriveled up raisin of what was a heart and has shrunk it to the size of a rais – er, never mind.
CHAPTER TWENTY: OMG HURRY UP!
Bella: Next thing I know I’m stuck in a hotel room in Phoenix with the emotional vamp and crazy eyed vamp. But I’m like, let’s be friends and all. After we become BFF’s Alice tells me how to vamp out. I’m totally storing that nugget away.
Edward: I get to call and tell Bella I’m sorry I messed up her life and stuff. I lurve her so she should be fine.
Bella: Next thing I know Jasper is watching Alice draw a dance studio. He seemed pretty excited about that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: HAVE YOUR PEOPLE CALL MY PEOPLE
Bella: So then the tracker knows where I am so the two babysitter vamps get all paranoid and tell Edward to come and get me. Which is like totally fine with me `cause OMG I miss him soooo much! But then tracker vamp calls me and is a big kill-joy. He’s all blah, blah, I got your moms, blah, blah, come meet me, blah, blah, no other vamps, blah, blah. So now I’m all, “Whoa, I’m so dead!”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: DANCE, DANCE REVOLUTION
Bella: So then I ditch the babysitter club vamps at the airport and taxi it to the dance studio. And do you know who was there? That guy they were calling the hunter in the preface. I mean, is he the hunter, the tracker, or James? And do you know who isn’t there? My moms. Yeah, tracker-hunter is a big fat lair; his pants should be on fire. So he gets all chatzy with me and I’m all, “Let’s just do this!”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: THE EMO ANGEL
Bella: So then, right before I fade to black (NOT THAT FADE TO BLACK!) I hear my emo angel’s voice. He has come to save me! *gurgle*
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: PASS THE WHAT?
Bella: Next thing I know I’m in the hospital, which ewww! Smells hospital-ly! And Edward is all, “I’m going to leave you!”
Edward: So I basically hint to her that, “I’m going to leave you.”
Bella: But I’m all whatev, I’m betting on crazy eyed vamp. And then he’s all, “Bring in the morphine!” Like that’s gonna shuut mee uff, huh? *snore*
EPILOGUE: PRETTY IN BLUE
Bella: So I’m back home and recovering from the hunter-tracker attack. Alice is making me her own personal Barbie doll which is freaking me out! Next thing I know emo vamp is taking me to prom! Ewww!!!!
Edward: Yeah, she hated the whole prom thing but I need her to act like I’m not here and enjoy all the human things. Not that I plan on making her non-human. She can beg all she wants but that is so not happening. *chuckle*